It is the eve of my return to work after a three month maternity leave. Tomorrow I will put on professional clothing and high heels. I will open my work computer and sit in a conference room for highly intellectual conversation with phenomenal colleagues. I will have danish and coffee at my fingertips, a lovely lunch, and built in bathroom breaks. I will not eat what I am packing for the kids lunches for breakfast and/or dinner. My yoga pants, flip flops and nursing bra will get a break, and my hair will not be in a messy bun.
The balance is so good, they say? It will become routine soon, they advise? You've got this, they encourage. They are all right.
But, there is a deep sadness that comes as I knowingly rocked my infant to sleep on this eve, before I flip his tiny world in a tailspin. Days have turned into nights together since his eyes opened for the first time. The sun slowly slips in the windows of his peaceful nursery as we rock and nurse, and slowly escapes serenely into night as we rock and nurse to sleep. Every moment in the day has been filled with closeness, and the building of a sacred bond. Tomorrow we will be apart for eight hours, after having not been separated since he began to grow in my belly.
The tears rained down on my sweet boy tonight, for tomorrow, he takes the first step of spreading his small little wings and will make it through the day without Mommy. He doesn't know yet, and he will be fine and adjust quickly, they say. Again, they are right. But as chapters close and new one's begin, it's a Mama's job to cry, to beg time to slow down and to choke on bended knee on the all encompassing love of what it means to be a mother.
We've all been there, for the chapters keep coming for all of us, milestone after milestone. The cadence won't slow for them, for us, for anyone. Motherhood is hard, but the most beautiful job ever, they say. Again, they are right.
About the Author
Courtney Michener Miller is a leader in talent, development and corporate learning. As an aspiring Chief Learning Officer in the healthcare industry, she spends her days ensuring 65,000 employees around the world develop the skills they need to serve patients and have learning material delivered on state of the art validated systems. Courtney resided in the suburbs of Philadelphia with her amazing husband, Mark and three beautiful sons, Jack, Vincent and Leo.
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